Difficult conversations are inevitable in personal and professional life, yet they often make us uneasy. We all know it and acknowledge it, don’t we? Handling difficult conversations is one of the most common problems we seek guidance from leaders. So, let’s address the elephant in the room.
In this blog, we’ll explore a three-step framework for handling difficult conversations called the AAA framework.
Why Do We Need a Framework?
A framework in this context is a structured way of handling difficult conversations. I realized that things become easier to implement if we know how to navigate them properly. For example, let’s say, someone tells me to handle conversation by being mindful, listening intently, and so on. Does it help? Well, it does because we now understand what to do. However, what we still don’t know is how to do it!
A framework helps in such cases as it addresses the how part to some extent. So, let’s dive deeper into it.
What Is the AAA Framework?
The AAA framework stands for Ask, Acknowledge, and Act.
Ask – Engage and understand what the conversation is about
Acknowledge – Validate that you have heard other person’s perspective
Act – Come up with an action plan
Let me add a disclaimer here. This is not new. Every other self-help book discusses these concepts. I am just trying to give structure to the concepts.
Step 1 – Ask
The first few minutes of a conversation decide whether the two parties come out of it sorted or frustrated, happy or resentful, friend or foe. This is because of how we are programmed to behave. The moment we hear something we don’t like or don’t expect, our brain resorts to the fight-or-flight response. Consequently, we either start defending, blaming, or attacking, or we completely shut ourselves down. Don’t you agree?
Therefore, the first step in handling difficult conversations is to give them the right start. It’s not easy, as it can take years to reach the level where we’re in complete control. Nevertheless, let’s talk about how we can improve ourselves here.
In the book, Supercommunicators, Charles Duhigg says that communication is all about understanding what others want to say. And, that’s the first step for handling difficult conversations. To achieve that, the most effective technique is to ask the right questions. Right questions help us understand why the other person is saying what he or she is saying. Right questions are open-ended questions that encourage others to share more details about the topic. By asking questions not only we’ll be more engaged in the discussion but also we’ll be able to find out more.
Example
To understand it better, let’s take an example. Say, your colleague approaches you and says, “I’ve noticed that you sometimes come across as rude, and it feels like you ignore important things. It’s been affecting our teamwork.”
So, here are some wrong ways to handle this:
“What? I’m not rude! You’re overreacting.” (Defensive)
“If you think I’m rude, maybe you should look at how you talk to me.” (Blaming)
“Whatever, I don’t have time for this.” (Ignoring)
Now, the appropriate way to address this according to our first rule would be as follows:
“Can you give me specific examples of when I came across as rude or ignored things? I want to understand better.”
The example demonstrates how asking the right questions can establish a positive tone for the conversation, preventing it from taking an unpleasant turn.
Step 2 – Acknowledge
After initiating the conversation appropriately by seeking to understand, it is essential to remain engaged from beginning to end. The second step of the framework, Acknowledge, involves actively listening to the other person’s input and ensuring that they know we are attentive and interested in the conversation. As a result, it helps to build trust and understanding between both parties.
For example, repeating or paraphrasing what the other person has said can help to ensure that both parties are on the same page. Statements like “If I understand correctly, you’re saying that…” or “It sounds like you’re feeling…” can clarify the message and provide an opportunity for the other person to correct any misunderstandings.
Example
Let’s continue with the example we have used in step 1 to understand how we can use acknowledgment to our benefit.
After you asked for examples, your colleague replied,
“Sure. For example, during our last team meeting, you interrupted me several times while I was speaking. It felt like my input wasn’t valued.”
Now, again, you might be tempted to justify that you didn’t mean it or something similar. However, this is the time to use step 2 of the framework. So, you should acknowledge what your colleague mentioned by saying something like:
“Thank you for sharing. I can see how interrupting you during the meeting made you feel undervalued. I’ll work on being more mindful about this.”
As you can see, here, instead of telling your side of the story or sharing your feelings, you’ve put yourself in your colleague’s shoes and acknowledged how he or she might be feeling.
Step 3 – Act
“Action is the foundational key to all success.” — Pablo Picasso
The quote is true in all scenarios including handling difficult conversations. While the earlier two steps of the framework guide us in handling difficult conversations, the last and the final step – Act, is crucial to ensure that we find a resolution of the problem. This can only be achieved when both parties jointly agree on some action items that can help in resolving the issue. Otherwise, the same conversation would happen repetitively no matter how expert we are in navigating difficult conversations.
It is important to note that the action items must be specific (like SMART goals). Saying things like, “I will try to improve” or “I will work on it” may sound like the appropriate closure of the conversation but they are not. Let’s see an example to understand it better.
Example
Finally, let’s extend our earlier example further and take it to the conclusion using the final step of the framework.
Once you listened to and acknowledged everything your colleague had to say, you can say something like:
“Thank you for your feedback. I want to improve our working relationship. Therefore, I’ll make a conscious effort to avoid interrupting others during meetings. Please feel free to give me real-time feedback if you notice any issues. I’ll also schedule regular check-ins so we can address any concerns promptly.”
As you can notice, setting regular check-ins is a specific action item here. This focuses on improving collaboration and communication to resolve the problem.
Conclusion
In this article, we talked about the importance of handling difficult conversations effectively. Furthermore, we learned the AAA framework—Ask, Acknowledge, Act—which provides a structured approach to navigating these challenging discussions.
By asking the right questions, we can engage with the other person’s perspective and set a positive tone for the conversation. Acknowledging their feelings and inputs helps build trust and ensures that both parties feel heard and valued. Finally, taking concrete actions based on the discussion ensures that issues are resolved and improvements are made.
It’s important to remember that mastering the AAA framework requires a lot of practice and dedication. It can take years to become proficient in handling difficult conversations with ease and grace. However, by consistently applying this framework and being mindful of our approach, we can gradually become a better version of ourselves.
If you found this article helpful, be sure to check out my other leadership articles for more insights to enhance your leadership skills. I also recommend reading “Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well“ by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen. This book offers valuable insights and practical techniques for handling feedback from the point of view of a receiver of feedback.